BOYS WITH BIG NOSES

BY MATTHEW LUCAS BECKETT “Why are you always looking at me, John?” asked my best friend Daniel as we walked home from school one day. I hesitated. The truth was, I looked at him so much because I had a major crush on him and he was one of the best looking guys that I had ever known, the only guy that I'd ever had a crush on that I had also managed to make friends with. The trouble was, he was not only strictly Heterosexual but extremely homophobic, and since he was my best friend I valued our friendship above my attraction, at least by now. Truth be told, when I first met him, I invited home over to my house at least partly because I thought he was kind of cute, and by now he was more than kind of cute, he was drop dead gorgeous. Not as gorgeous as Samantha, but since I hadn't seen her since my Freshman Year of High School and even then we'd only had two dates, while Daniel was with me in the here and now, Samantha was becoming a distant memory. How Samantha and I had ended also factored into my fading memory of her, since she had dumped me when she caught me looking at her brother Travis in the same way I looked at her. But I couldn't help it with Travis then any more than I could help it with Daniel now, although Daniel was by now to me hotter and cuter than Travis had ever been. But, of course, for reasons that I have already given, I couldn't share any of this with Daniel. “Well?“, he finally says, when some time has elapsed since his question and I have said nothing, not knowing what ti say. “Just wishing I had muscles like you,” I finally settle on. He flexes his huge biceps, causing me to have to fight hard to keep from ejaculating in my undershorts. Don't smile, I think desperately. That will finish me. Fortunately, he does not. “Yes,” he said. “They are quite impressive, aren't they?” I nod, relieved that at least for the moment it ends there. Since he is very proud of how muscular he is, I thought and hoped it would. When we part and I enter my house, I head straight for the bathroom, a not uncommon occurrence after being around him. But answers like what I gave Daniel this afternoon aren't going to suffice forever. The trouble is, or at least part of the trouble is, I'm not entirely sure myself what I am or what I'm supposed to be. I''m pretty sure that at the moment I'm a Bisexual, which would be fine, Daniel's Homophobia aside, except that there was a boy named Thomas in one of my classes the year after Samantha dumped me when she caught me looking at Travis, who was unquestionably hotter than her, or any other girl whom I've seen since, and so I feel like I'm partly on a strictly gay trajectory, but something is still holding me back from completing that journey, and while Daniel is hot and exceedingly handsome, he is not as hot as Samantha, although admittedly pretty dam close, (and I am not even certain that he is not at least as hot if not slightly hotter than she ever was but I am also not certain that he is) and she was and is beyond drop dead gorgeous, while although Daniel is exceedingly handsome, he is most definitely not. So I am stuck in this kind of Hormonal Limbo, with no clear way out. *** “You seem distracted, Johnny,” my mom observes at dinner as my mind goes over all of this. Again, I hesitate, for I have not dared to share any of this even with my own family, not sure how they will react. My parents and broth Micheal might still accept me, although they might not, but in any case I am fairly certain that my extremely Conservative extended family would not. “Just thinking about Sam,” I finally say. I have never shared why we broke up, and when we were a couple I always called her Sam, although since then she has always insisted that I call her Samantha, since we are at the same school and run in the same circles and so still see a lot of each other, even though we are no longer a couple. I also can't help continuing to look at her, because while she is not nearly as HOT as Thomas was, she is almost infinitely more gorgeous than any guy I've yet seen. Suddenly, I freeze, the answer becoming clear to me and striking like a lightning bolt. Thomas put one of my feet on the hotness part of the path towards becoming strictly Gay, but to put the other foot on it, I need a Guy Crush who is more gorgeous than Samantha is or ever was. The trouble is, Daniel is the most attractive in that way guy that I know or have ever known, and as I already said, he is far from gorgeous, although admittedly during the nearly four years we have been friends, he has gone from kind of cute (at least part of the reason that I initially made the effort to get together) to exceedingly handsome, but even if there was still some cute there and so he was gorgeous, he could not hold even a single flicker of a candle to Samantha. Over the following weeks, I dwell on this problem a great deal in my private thoughts, and even as Daniel continues to get better and better looking, things grow more and more awkward between us. I think he senses that I am hiding something from him, though I pray to God every day that he does not guess what, but we have always shared everything and not had any secrets from each other, which makes this exceedingly awkward. While all of this is going on, of course, there are other girls and other boys that I have crushes on, but none of either gender hold a flicker to Thomas hotness wise or Samantha gorgeousness wise. *** At High School Graduation, Daniel looks so HOT in his cap and gown that I am very glad that I had masturbated with Thomas that afternoon, I need to masturbate every so often anyway or my body takes care of it in my sleep, and fortunately this is when that time fell, and fortunately it was Thomas's turn, not Daniel's, because only Thomas could have tamed my hormones against how HOT Daniel is tonight. As he walks across the stage right before me, I catch a glimpse of his face and do a double-take, which everyone else is fortunately too otherwise occupied to notice. The cuteness that initially turned me on to him is back, but infinitely stronger than it was when it left, while the handsomeness is still there in full swing, in fact a little stronger than yesterday, when we last got together. But even as I see his now gorgeous face, I notice Samantha in the seat two seats away from mine, and there is no doubt that she is still infinitely MORE gorgeous, even with Daniel now being gorgeous too. I am so occupied with all of these thoughts that I miss my own name the first time they call it and so they have to all it a second time, and sound extremely cross about it, although many of my classmates find it far to amusing for my liking. Once I have received my diploma, I join Daniel and many others in what is facetiously known as the holding cell, where graduates always wait until everyone has walked across the stage, and then get the real diplomas, which are kept under lock and key during the ceremony where we get the covers. I have a friend that graduated a year ahead of Daniel and I, so I know about these things. I have never told him about my inclinations either, for while Daniel is a personal Homophobe, this person belongs to a fire and brimstone point Homophobic Church. When the ceremony is over, we have received our real diplomas and put them in the covers and then met our families, we all go to the whole school reception and eat a lot more than we should and Samantha and I dance once, at her suggestion, which startles me, and I would not have even dared to ask her after how we ended. During the dance, she whispers to me at one point “This stays between us, but I think Travis is Gay too.” I mouth the word Bi, and she nods, and we continue to dance. After the first dance, her current boy-friend Frank cuts in, whom I had assumed she would dance with from the beginning, and Daniel and Travis and Thomas and I dance with a number of girls, many of whom I only know by face and do not remember come the next morning. The next morning, of course, is a bit hazy, but that evening Daniel's family, Samantha's family and my family, all friends by more than just the three of us, go out to dinner to celebrate. Daniel's girl-friend Susan and her family also join us, and he and she keep their eyes on each other all night, so only Samantha seems to notice that I can't keep my eyes off of him, except when I'm staring at her, for while Daniel has now joined Thomas in being hotter than her, although still not nearly as hot as Thomas, her enormous nose alone, which completely dwarfs his, still makes her infinitely more gorgeous than him, not to mention that her face is also a great deal shinier, although both are completely clear, and f course Daniel is now gorgeous, just not nearly AS gorgeous. That summer I see a lot of Daniel and also more of Samantha than I have since we broke up. “I don' think we can ever be romantic again, John,” she tells me when I remark on this. “but I remember what good friends we were before we started dating, and I've decided that I want that back.” I of curse have no objections. For one thing, I liked having her as a friend too, and after Travis officially comes out as Gay and she completely accepts him as he is, unlike most of the rest of their family, I feel comfortable after a time telling her about some of my inclinations, although of course I do not tell her that her gorgeousness is what seems to be keeping me in Hormonal Limbo, and she continues ton be as gorgeous as ever, maybe even a bit more as her nose gets even bigger. “It is nice to finally have someone that I can speak these things aloud with,” I tell her on one such occasion. “I was about to burst keeping it all to myself and inside.” “Well, after the way the rest of my family reacted to Travis coming out,” she says. “And the fact that I alone accepted him as he is, I couldn't very well not accept you as you are.” She holds up a hand as I open my mouth. “I know you're a Bisexual, not strictly a Homosexual, but I still would feel like a hypocrite accepting him and not you. Besides, I missed you as a friend, as I said before.” “And I you, as I too said before,” I reply. “But you say Thomas was hotter than any girl or even other guy you ever knew?” “Well yes,” I say awkwardly. “To put it quite frankly, he's hotter than you, and you are by far the hottest girl I ever knew.” She does not even blush at this, which makes me both sad and relieved. “But now Daniel is too?” there is no trace of bitterness, anger or resentment in her voice, just the acceptance of a best friend, for she has over the year since graduation become as good a friend as Daniel. I nod. “I'm sorry to have to say. . .” I start. But she waves a hand to silence me. “We are who we are. Truth be told, I haven't been turned on by a boy in two years, even by Frank, while there are a few women that have given me a twinge, for lack of a better word.” I am stunned, but I think manage to hide it. Suddenly, she asks the question that I have been dreading ever since our friendship resumed. “So, with what you've said about Thomas, and now Daniel too, it seems like you are on a certain trajectory, so what's holding you back from completing the journey to being strictly gay, since I know you still look at women too.” I hesitate, uncertain what to say. “John,” she says. “We've been friends since we were both in diapers, minus that little blip in High School. There's nothing you can say that will phase me or change our now renewed friendship. Do not worry about upsetting me, all I want is for us both to be happy. I've completed my transition, not that being Bisexual is always a transition, sometimes that's the end game, but it seems like it is as much a transition for you as it was for me, so what is keeping you from completing it. I'm much happier having completed the journey, and I know you will be too, so tell me what's keeping you from doing so. 'll know if you're using stealth, because while Daniel may not know you well enough to sense that, I do. So what is holding you back from completely becoming who and what we both know you are meant to be.” I decide on honesty, since I know she's right, trying anything else with her wouldn't work. “You,” I finally blurt out after one more moment's hesitation. She looks shocked for a moment, but then composes herself. “Me? But you already said that you now know at least two guys that are hotter to you than me?” “Oh, I definitely do,” I go on. “Hotter yes. It's not that. . .er. . . .part of it. Hormonally I'm firmly on the path to becoming and thus being strictly a Homosexual. But there's another part to it. There is the hormonal part, yes, and that is settled. But there is also what the eyes see and the mind perceive, and while Thomas always has and now Daniel does as well do more for my hormones than you ever did, you are beyond DROP DEAD GORGGEOUS while Thomas was just exceedingly handsome and while Daniel having recently gotten his cute back with a a-vengeance to add to his considerable handsomeness is now gorgeous, he is not nearly as gorgeous as you, so I'm still looking for a boy with your clarity of face, complete, a glaze as strong as if not stronger than yours, and above al and most importantly, an even bigger nose than you.” “No easy task, the last,” she says. I nod. “Sorry to be so blunt, but you did ask.” “I did indeed,” she replies, still seeming amazingly calm considering all that I have just said. “I wish I could help. I know I wasn't happy until I completed the transition, and of course am still searching for a way to tell Frank, and I know that you won't be either. But I've never seen anyone, male or female, with a nose even approaching as big as mine, since it is the width of my eyes and nearly the width of my face, much less bigger than mine, and I've got more of a shine than I've seen on anyone except maybe one guy and one girl and neither of them even had what could really be called a big nose, and so certainly nothing approaching my snout.” “I didn't say that. . .” I begin. But again, she silences me with a raised hand. “No, I did. But, to be honest, I'd appreciate it if in the future you did refer to it as a snout, because I find calling something of its size a big nose insulting.” “Okay,” I finally say after much consideration. “So to complete my journey I need a a gy crush with your glaze or if possible a little stronger, and a snout even bigger than your snout, which would have to be one-hundred percent of the width of his face, if not slightly wider.” An enormous or grand snout,” she sys. I nod. “And no guy I know comes close. I mean, Daniel has a really big nose, but its probably not even half the size of your snout.” “Maybe half,” she says. “But not more. No, he's out of the running for gorgeousness exceeding mine for sure. It will have to be a new guy, so hopefully he'll come along relatively soon, for you'll never be truly happy in Hormonal Limbo.” I nod, and we lave it there for the moment, both needing to go home from our secret meeting place for dinner and having said all that can really be said anyway. ***' Of course, Daniel and my conversations grow more and more strained during all of this time, as he continues to get better and better looking, including his nose eventually getting big enough that I agree with Samantha at a different conversation that it has now slightly exceeded fifty percent of her snout. But then it stops growing, and while his face remains completely clear and his glaze is occasionally in the same neighborhood as hers, it is also often far less, even though he remains the second HOTTEST person that I have ever known, only behind Thomas. And he is also the most gorgeous guy I know, he just not and as Samantha and I had predicted clearly never wil be anywhere close to as gorgeous as she is, with his nose stopped growing at half the size of her snout and glaze that hovers around but certainly never exceeds hers. I meet a lot of other good looking guys in college, but none are as HOT as Daniel nor do they have a nasal apparatus even approaching Samantha's snout, or enough of a glaze to make up for that. Of course, if there were such a glaze, the face would literally blind me, so I remain on the look out for a guy with what Samantha and I are now calling a massive snout, as does she, having told her boy-friend at the end of our freshman year of college that she is a Homosexual. “'What a relief,'” she told me later he had said. “Because so am I.” Within a week, he and Travis were a known item, and shortly after Samantha had an official girl-friend named Susan. “How revolting,” Daniel says to me once towards the end of our Sophomore year of college. “That is so unnatural and abominable. How can you be friends with a woman like that.” I dive into my food, saying nothing and at that moment avoiding looking at him at all costs, because while he is not and never will be anywhere close to as gorgeous as Samantha, he is the second HOTTEST person that I have ever known, and I no longer ever see Thomas since after Freshman year he transferred to a school in another state and that was thee last I saw of him, while I did still see Daniel almost every day. But the more he rants about fags and worse names that I will not repeat here, the harder it became to hold my tongue about not just my personal stake but my feelings about Homophobia in general, plus with another best friend with whom I can just be myself, I start to question whether this friendship is worth continuing. At the same time, I don't want to just break it off or explain why I was doing so, at least partly because I thought there was at least the possibility that he might resort to physical violence if he found out that I had a crush on him. It had happened with other such situations before. So, at last, we came to the end of our Sophomore year of college. I was in despair, for Daniel ranted and raved about Fags and so on every time I was within earshot of him, Samantha, her girl-friend, Travis and his boy-friend had all but told me it was him or them, and while by then I knew that there was no way that I was ever going to get the one foot off the Hormonal Path towards becoming strictly Gay, I had yet to see a guy with a nasal apparatus larger than Daniel's barely over fifty percent of Samantha's, plus by now her face had added to the glaze the glow of happiness brought on by her girl-friend that any guy with more of a glaze would have blinded anyone who saw him, which I knew no one would have. Which only left a guy with an augmented snout, and by now I was certain that there was no such guy. “I just found out one of my best friends is gay,” the word was more a hiss than a spoken word from Daniel's voice on the phone towards the end of that year. I froze. My breath caught in my throat, and my heart stopped beating. I thought that I had always been as careful as possible except for the looks, but those have been going on since High School, and I've always managed to deflect. . . “John, are you there,” Daniel's voice came, drawing me out of my thoughts. “I think you know him. George.” I let out my breath. I knew George, and I knew George was gay, I just didn't know that he and Daniel were friends. “OK,” I finally say. “I know George. And I knew he was gay. I just didn't know that you knew him, or I would have said something to warn you.” I probably would not have, but Daniel needed to hear that I would have. “Anyway,” Daniel went on. “That's not why I called you. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to make our July Camping Trip this year because my parents and I are spending all summer in Europe.” “Oh,” I say. “Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm sure you'll have a good time there.” “I hope so,” he said. And then there was a click. The suddenness of the end of the phone call shocked me, but then our relationship was hanging by a thread then anyway. That summer I spent a lot of time with Samantha and her girl-friend and Travis and his boy-friend. Occasionally, we'd have Triple Dates, and I sometimes brought a girl and sometimes brought a boy, more often a boy. But most of the time I felt like a Fifth wheel, even though they all four constantly assured me that I was not. But still I was stuck, with Thomas and now also to a lesser but still some extent Daniel having firmly and forever claimed my Hormones for the Homosexual Side, but Samantha still being infinitely more gorgeous than the best looking guy I knew, which I'll admit was Travis's Boy-Friend, although I only shared this with Samantha and only when we were alone. His nasal apparatus was approaching a snout, but was not quite there and so certainly not an augmented snout like hers, and his face, while completely clear, was not nearly as shiny as hers. By the end of the summer, I realized that there was absolutely no chance of ever getting out of this Hormonal Limbo and so no way that I could ever have any kind of Relationship of that nature because with a guy it would be confused by my eyes and mind still being Heterosexual, but with a gal it would b confused by my Hormones now being firmly Homosexual. So that summer passed. Two days before classes started in our Junior Year, Daniel called me to say that he was back in town and wanted to get together. We arranged to meet at a building at the school and then figure out from there what we wanted to do. Not surprisingly, fairly typically in fact, I was there first and he was late. Eventually, though, of course, the doors did open and a figure stepped through them and into the hall's light. My jaw hit the floor and I did a quadruple take. His face was still completely clear, of course. But his face was even shinier than Samantha's had ever been or was, even now. And his nasal apparatus. I had never seen nostrils so big. Not just big, huge. Not just huge, enormous. Not just enormous, tremendous. Even calling it an augmented snout was not sufficient, for it was at least twice the width of his face. I finally settled in my mind on trunk. Instantly, I felt my other foot set firmly and forever on the path towards becoming strictly gay, and then both finally started walking. To this day, the rest of that day is a total blank, but I guess Daniel and I found something to do and did it, and I somehow managed to not reveal what had just happened and what it meant, because we continued to be friends for another two years. I obviously must have masturbated when I got home, but as I said that whole day remains a total blank. *** Then one day, towards the end of my Senior Year of College, it finally fully happened. For eight years, big noses on clear and shiny faces had to some extent tuned me on on both guys and gals, gals not as much since some of what I have already mentioned, but some. But then, after waking up after collapsing after my last college final ever, I went down to the cashier's office to cash a check for cab fair to go see Samantha and spend the night at her place, as we had arranged some time ago, since she lived off campus while I, being unable to drive because of a medical condition, had found it easier to live on Campus all four years. The young woman working the desk said that she could not give me cash there but could give me a ride to the bank on her lunch break in a few minutes, and I agreed. But the important thing about that encounter is that she had a nasal apparatus almost as big as Samantha's snout, a completely clear face and a glaze not far behind Samantha's, and there was not even the slightest twinge from my hormones, not the slightest hint of an erection, nor was there anything of that nature from my eyes o my mind. When I got to Samantha's I told her the good news that I had finally completed my journey, and we both celebrated late into the night. It would be nice to end the story there, on a totally positive and happy note, but there is one more piece of this puzzle that must be placed. The next day, when I got back to Campus, Daniel marched right up to me, red faced and fire-eyed. “How can you have spent the night at the home of that. . .that. . .that thing, that abomination.” I sighed. The time for hesitation was over. It was time to put it all out on the table. “Because I'm Gay too. I was bi for eight years, but when Thomas was hotter than Samantha back in our Sophomore Year of High School, that set my Hormones firmly and forever on the path towards becoming strictly gay. I was then stuck in Hormonal Limbo for a long time because no guy I knew matched her gorgeousness, but when you came back from Europe two years ago with that Trunk you've still got, that took care of putting the other foot on the other part of the path, and yesterday at The Cashier's Office, Betty's all of that face did absolutely nothing for me, so my journey is now complete. That is how I can spend the night at Sam's House.” The nickname I just used on a whim, since our relationship is now completely healed, even though different. Daniel stares at me red faced and fire eyed, breathing very hard, for several long minutes. Then he shouts as loud as he can. “Burn in Hell, Queer Faggot, our relationship is over.” That was no more than I had expected, for me it had really ben over for a long time. What I had not expected was for him to knock me to the ground and punch me in the face so hard that everything went black.